We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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