having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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