Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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