I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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