So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
