The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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