the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
