I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
