Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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