I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
