all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
