Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
