Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
