don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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