You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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