I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
