I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
