her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
