Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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