note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have aggressive nipples.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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