I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
