You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
