I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
