I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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