My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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