I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
