Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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