I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
