I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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