I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
