Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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