oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
