cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
