Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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