Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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