SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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