our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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