i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
