Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
