you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
