He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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