That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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