I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
