Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.