On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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