you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
