Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
