worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
