I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
