I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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