he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
