I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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