The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
