I wanna bring you to show and tell
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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