if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
