my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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