he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's get the cat blown out
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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