I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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