The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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